Navigating Change
There are all kinds of ways to learn wisdom in life, and we have explored many paths for many reasons. One compelling goal for us was to grow our romantic relationship over time as we grow ourselves as individuals. This wasn’t an obvious challenge until it showed up in our early thirties. We had a sweet affinity when we met in our twenties and fell in love with shared interests and values.
It was surprising that we didn’t stay the same, and the unexpected changes in feelings and direction caused conflict. We were confused because we were committed to each other and responsible for our children, but we were not happy. We went to therapists who did not help us sufficiently, though they tried.
We were both motivated to learn. I had done a research project based on the work of some developmental psychologists who demonstrated that adult development continues into the decades of the 50s and 60s, even 70s, and the various stages offer different assets. The thirties and sometimes longer is not an easy time for a couple. Further, if the partners do not stretch and mature during that period and advance in various abilities to understand differences and share openly, this becomes a hardship for a couple that threatens the relationship.
This is the basis for my assertion when couples come to see me in my practice or our course: “There is nothing wrong with you.” It is simply time to grow in awareness and conversation skills. That is what we teach. We also present a map of adult development so that they understand they are not the same people they were when their life together started. Of course, they know that, but we give them a big picture and put words to what they are experiencing.
It is important to understand the problem and the challenge so that we can move forward with the repair. The solution is to learn skills that allow us to manage our emotional reactions while we share our feelings and thoughts openly and respectfully. We have new interests, perhaps, new desires, new requests. Also, when we share a relationship for a long time and raise children together, it is common to experience some aspect of our childhood injuries re-surfacing that we project onto our partner. That can add confusion and pain if it is not understood and shared properly. There are solutions for all these challenges, but it starts with how to share feelings and requests.
We are not taught to do this in childhood or our teen years. Yes, we are told to speak respectfully to our parents and teachers, and hopefully, we learn that. A romantic relationship is different. There is no other relationship that is as equal and involves so much investment as our romantic partnership. This makes communication essential and challenging. We don’t learn this in school; we don’t learn this from our parents. We are challenged to learn this in real-time, and when we start to have conflicts, our emotions overwhelm our inadequate communication skills.
Our program takes you through the process of learning the skills you need. We support you to see that nothing is fundamentally wrong with you or your partner except that you don’t know how to talk to each other and create what you want in your relationship. We show you how this tough spot you are in right now is inevitable, and it is time to learn and grow. By the end of the course, our couples are in a very different place with each other and are very satisfied with how they are connecting.
If you are struggling to be understood and resolve the inevitable differences that come up in your marriage, I recommend that you find a method of learning how to talk together. Different points of view always come up, and it won’t get better until you have new skills. The skills that brought you together are insufficient for the real life you share. It is not personal. It is not a criticism of you. It is just how life is.
Wishing you love,
Dr. Barbara
